One thing we've been learning about kids from hard places ("hard places" = a term used in adoption circles to describe children who have experienced some type of abuse, neglect or trauma during their lives) is that many have food issues. They think about food a lot.
Imagine a time when you were hungry. Really hungry. Now think about feeling that way for days, maybe weeks, or years on end. Some of us have fasted from food for medical or religious reasons at different points in our lives, but even that is not a good comparison. When you are hungry, you know there is an end in sight. You know at the end of the fast you can go in your kitchen pantry and find a box of cereal, a can of soup, or a bag of chips. You can open the refrigerator and find a gallon of milk, leftovers from last night's takeout, or even a package of hotdogs. You know where the closest grocery store is, and if you're really hungry and in a time crunch, there's a dollar menu at most fast food drive thrus.
Kids living in poverty don't have the luxury of knowing their hunger will end, and this becomes a traumatic issue. Feeling like you are going to starve to death--literally--is something that we in America just can't imagine.
I read a blog by another adoptive mom; one of her Ethiopian kids has been home for nearly seven years. She recently described a time when her daughter was going to be traveling for several hours without access to food, and the girl had forgotten to bring the snack her mom had prepared for her. The mom observed her daughter getting visibly tense, irritable, and fidgety. She had just eaten, but the fear of going several hours with no food brought back terrible memories.
Other adopted kids have been known to hoard food in secret hiding places in their bedrooms or get up in the middle of the night and scrounge around the kitchen for something to eat. Their fear? That tomorrow the food may run out. So they take control of the situation by preparing for the worst, because that's how they've learned to survive. (That's something I will blog about in future days: how some adopted kids try to control and manipulate their circumstances b/c it's their survival instinct.)
I learned in one of our adoption classes that when you first bring home an adopted child who struggles with food issues, you should always, always have food available. Experts suggest leaving a bowl of fruit or snack bars on the kitchen counter. If the child is really anxious, you can even allow her to have a small container of food in her bedroom in case she wakes up in the night feeling hungry or anxious.
It is important for the child to know you will provide for their needs. This is not their job any longer. It is the parent's role. For the same reason, disciplining a child from a hard place should never include sending him or her to bed without dinner, or making food a reward for good behavior. Having enough to eat is a basic need. God gives us food to sustain our bodies, to keep us healthy and strong, to grow our minds...not because we've been good enough.
Our instructor also told us it is quite normal for some newly-adopted kids to gorge themselves on food until they are sick. Again, they are so afraid of the food running out that they consume as much as they can. I asked the instructor if a child should be cut off at a certain point. After all, who wants a puking kid? Surprisingly, the instructor said no, at least not for the first several weeks of them being home. Getting sick from too much food is better in the long run than feeling insecure and fearful.
Another thing we learned is the importance of good nutrition...but also the importance of simply eating. Ethopian food is very different from American. They have bread with almost every meal but it's not like our bread. Injera tastes a bit like sour dough bread but it has a spongy texture, almost like a half-cooked pancake. Injera is served on the bottom of the plate, and then various meaty stews are placed on top. The food is very spicy.
All that to say, it's hard to change your palate. Imagine moving to a new country and being forced to eat what they deem healthy--but it's something you can't stand the taste of. It takes a while for certain foods to grow on you and to become acceptable to your taste buds. So again, the "experts" say the most important thing is to make sure your adopted kid is eating--whatever it is. They need a high calorie diet--and fast.
[As an aside, a well-meaning man said something almost laughable--if not so tragic--when I told him we were adopting from Ethiopia. He got a funny look on his face and said with a chuckle, "Oh is your daughter going to be real skinny? I mean, the pictures I see on TV of those kids...they always look like they're starving!"
Ha. Ha. Ha. Not funny, sir. Not really funny. Because yes, our child probably will be skinny. She is coming from a poverty-stricken environment where people DIE from lack of food. Yes, starving. Not the 'I forgot to pack my lunch' starving that you probably complain about to your coworkers. STARVING. As in not enough nutrients and calories to make the body work correctly. Fatigue. Mental cloudiness. Physical weakness. Trauma.
I didn't actually say all that but I wanted to. I think the look on my face answered his question. He quickly backtracked and tried to smooth over his comment. I know he wasn't being mean spirited, but still.]
So yes, in the beginning our daughter will get food--whatever she likes--whenever she wants it. As time goes on, that will taper off. I don't know how long that season will last, but we will be working closely with a nutritionist as well as other international adoption experts at Lurie Children's Hospital in Chicago.
Next time your stomach starts to growl, or you have to take an antacid because you overate, or you complain about your weight, stop. Say a prayer for a kid who is truly starving. Pray for a kid you don't know who struggles with food issues. Pray that he or she will learn to trust a parent they don't know to give them the food they need.
With Hope~
Luann
Amen! Still praying for your daughter...
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