The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Except When It Isn't)

What do you do when it's ten days before Christmas, and you're just not feeling it?

It's hard to admit.

Everyone smiles for Facebook. Pictures with Santa. Photos of Christmas lights. Baking cookies, sending holiday cards, lighting candles at church.

But you're not feeling it.

Or maybe I should say, I'm not feeling it.

There are moments of genuine joy. There is laughter. There are excursions downtown and breakfasts with Santa. There are smiles and jokes and gifts and bows striped with red and white.

Our house looks happy. But my heart tells a different story.

My Ethiopian son texted me yesterday and asked how I am. I replied, "I'm trying to be happy." He asked what was wrong, and I didn't have an answer. Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine. There is money in the bank, food in the refrigerator, children and a husband who love me. We are all healthy.

It's my anxiety. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I hate it. So much. It interferes with my life. I'm embarrassed by it. I try to pray it away. I recite Bible verses. I try to control my disordered brain with my thinking. I talk to a therapist. I take medication. I use essential oils and breathing techniques.

But sometimes, sometimes it's all too much. So I force a smile and I take a pill. I hug my husband and try to let him absorb some of my fears by osmosis. I go to church and pray for relief. I listen to music, and that is often my salvation.

Music reminds me that I am loved, that I'm carried by the Father, that my future is in His control. Lauren Daigle is my current go-to.

(If music helps you, here are a few of my favorites:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYR0xP1j4PY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7IV9-nhOoTw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0JsU-f0JoU )

Someone told me a year or so ago that I am the strongest person she knows. Gosh I loved that. I think about it all the time. I want to be strong, confident, able to overcome anything life throws my way. To laugh with abandon at the future.

Or at the very least, I would like to be perceived that way. Because our society, our culture...we favor and praise the strong. We pity the weak.

But I know that's not God's way. He delights in helping the weak. He wants to be our Rescuer, and if everything is perfect, what on earth would we need to be rescued from?

Sometimes I imagine God saying, "Blessed are the strong, for they are my favorites. Blessed are the confident, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the healthy, for they shall prosper. Blessed are the moneymakers, for they will rule the world."

But alas, He doesn't. God's kingdom is such an upside-down way of thinking, of living. He says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, because theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, because they will be comforted. Blessed are the gentle, because they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, because they will be filled..."

Blessed? Blessed to be the meek, the mild, and the mourning? I don't pretend to understand. So I just breathe and receive. Breathe and believe. I choose to believe, even when my brain betrays me and emotions spill out of eyes, my hands shake, and my breaths are shallow.

In Mark Chapter 9, a father asked Jesus to heal his son. He declared to Jesus, "I believe! Help my unbelief!"

That right there is probably the truest, most human words uttered in Scripture. I believe. Help my unbelief. I want to be well, but I know it's in my weakness that He is able to be strong. I want to be free from anxiety, but without it, how would I know the comfort of the Comforter?

So this, this anxiety, is my Achilles heel. The chink in my armor. My area of vulnerability.

Maybe yours is different: lack of confidence, jealousy, depression, financial difficulty, family instability, toxic relationships.

Are you willing to share what it is? And if so, how do you deal with it, especially during the "most wonderful time of the year"?