I used to be a writer...until I ran out of words. 

I used to love writing. The little quirky things that happened in a day's time. Deep thoughts and sudden realizations. Updates on what I was doing, where I was traveling.

In fact, it was when I was in the Middle East, blogging about having been baptized in the River Jordan, that Ken and I really first connected. He was a fellow-blogger, and we fell in love with each other's words before falling in love with each other's hearts.

And then, when I became a mother, I wrote about the joys and sorrows of having a child. Of losing my mom just a few weeks before I became pregnant. Of funny little things my son did and said.

But then we attempted an adoption of three siblings from Ethiopia, and all my writing centered around that. Other things were still important, but we lived and breathed that adoption for six years. It was all I could write about. At times, it was all I could think about.

As that dream died a long, slow death, I ran out of words. I lost my identity. I became unsure of all that I had once been so sure about. My faith floundered, replaced by a heart-wrenching grief.

I quit writing.

It all seemed so futile. Everything wise that could be said was already being written by bloggers who were making money off of clicks or promoting their books. Their words were so eloquent, so far above what my pen could put on paper. So I linked to blogs. I retweeted others' tweets. I read and thought, but I didn't write. I occupied myself with being angry at a system that favored the strong and took advantage of the vulnerable. I buried myself in painting and art and Pinteresting DIY's.

...

But I think my words might be coming back. This morning, still in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about writing. But where to start? What to write about? How do you jump back into something you loved and left?

...

So here I am, jumping in.

...

I like to describe forgiveness as a two-step-forward, one-step-back process. Oftentimes I think I've moved past something, that I've truly forgiven, only to have something trigger my anger, my disappointment. Sometimes it takes a long walk or a drive in the car to work through those feelings. Sometimes it's five steps forward...and then ten steps back. Very rarely has forgiveness been a singular act for me. It's more like a continuum.

Grief has proven to be a similar process in my life. Sometimes I feel like I've gotten over something...like the disappointment of a failed adoption. Several weeks ago I told my therapist that I was doing good, that I was content and had reached a place of okay-ness. I was able to communicate with our kids in Ethiopia nearly every day via Facebook messenger, and we even had video chats every once in a while. It wasn't how I imagined our family, but it was sweet in its own way.

But then our 16-year-old, Dawit, got mugged on his way to the market, and they stole his phone. His sole line of communication with us. Thankfully he was not hurt, but since then we've only been able to send quick one-liners every few weeks--when he is able to borrow a phone or go to an Internet cafe.

And I miss him. I miss his updates. I miss the girls. I am angry, again. It's not fair. It's not good. Three orphans living in an overcrowded orphanage with a mom and dad who want them..and the government won't allow it because of their pride and their stupid change in laws.

I didn't realize how angry and unsettled I was until I saw two separate social media posts about parents bringing their adopted children home. Instead of being happy for these families, my stomach clenched, my heart pounded, and I quickly scrolled on.

I realized I still have work to do.

I am constantly telling Jack, our 8-year-old, to be happy for others--even when they have something he doesn't. It's easy to vilify others for no reasons other than jealousy, grief, and unforgiveness. It may even be normal. But it's not healthy.

...

As I write this, I am keenly aware that I am again writing about adoption, the very identify that I became lost in not long ago. Maybe that grief--that disappointment--that journey will always be a part of me. I pray it will make me better, not bitter. I hope that that particular grief has become only part of my story, not my identity.

You won't see me walking in downtown Wheaton with three brown-skinned beauties. I won't be known as the lady who adopted three orphans from Ethiopia.(<<-- That's hard for me to admit, because I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be a difference maker--partly to make a difference and partly, I confess, to be known as a difference-maker.)

So here I am, just me. Mom to Jack, wife to Ken, quasi-mom to three kids in another country. A sometimes-writer who is finding her words again. Giving up the feeling that I have to compete with all the gifted writers I read. Enjoying art and painting and reading and sitting on the couch with the two laziest dogs in the entire world.

Pushing ahead two steps in this process called life, realizing there will be missteps and backtracks, and being okay with that.

March 13, 2014

I have wanted to blog the past few weeks, but too often I've felt as though I shouldn't blog unless I have something profound, interesting, or insightful to share. And life just keeps rolling along--sometimes at break-neck speeds--and profound moments and thoughts are rare. 

And then I remind myself that the blogs I enjoy most are not really all that profound. They are stories of the writer's life. They are pictures of everyday happenings. And I have a lot of those. 

There is also a certain pressure when you write and edit for a living to string together words in beautiful sequences. To make words dance on the page. 

I read blogs written by people I don't know--people whose names will never find their names on a book cover--and I'm amazed at their ability to express themselves. They use the same 1,025,109.8 words in the English language as I do, but their combination of words and phrases seem so much more enchanting than my own.

[In case you're wondering, I just googled "How many words are in the English language?" I'm such a dork. According to the Global Language Monitor, that one-million-something number is the count as of January 1 of this year. But it's really hard to keep count because a new word is created every 98 minutes. Also, do you count plurals as a new word? What if the word has multiple meanings? etc.]

Anyway, I probably need to let go of the expectations I place on myself and just write. Create a log of life for our family--which was the original motivation behind this blog.

So here's what we've been up to...

I posted a picture recently of some little friends that spent a few days at our house. Here are some more. They spent many hours building extensive train track systems that traveled throughout our home.

It was the weekend of March 1st, so we created lions and lambs to go with the saying that March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. We've had about another 10 inches of snow since March began, so I'm hoping and praying that saying proves true.

This was an easy project and fairly fun for the little ones. (The oldest got a little bored.) We used paper plates, strips of construction paper, cotton balls, crayons, and lots of glue.

This is what it was *supposed* to look like. (Found the pic on Pinterest of course.) I thought they did pretty good considering we had a limited supply of cotton balls and artistic direction (ie me).

We also had a brief discussion about how the Bible says someday the lions and lambs will lie down together, without the lion devouring the lamb. But I had to keep it brief because a biblical scholar I am not.

To encourage good behavior, we had a little sticker competition. I let the kids come up with the rules, but I summarized some of them. We didn't have room for No Punching, No Pinching, and No Kicking, so we grouped those under "No Mean Touches."

They were a silly group. I wish this picture wasn't blurry, because it summed up the weekend so well.

Horsey rides were also on the agenda. At times with multiple riders and/or equestrian combinations.

 

I love the pic below. It was Saturday morning and they were all vegging out, watching TV. Little Ransom was sound asleep on a crib mattress in the middle of the floor. The area rug is covered in a giant quilt because the night before they were snacking on the floor, and Cheetos are ... well, cheesy. And orange. On little fingers, of which there were 40. That's a recipe for orange carpeting, which wouldn't match well with my blue and ivory-themed living room.

We've also spent a lot of time with our friends Alex and Claire. Their mom (Heather) and I do a babysitting swap twice a week. She usually takes the kids on Monday mornings while I work or run errands, and I take them on Friday mornings. We hang out at Heather's house because her twins are a bit younger (almost 2), so her house is still baby safe and ours is slowly getting to a non-safe-baby-state as Jack gets older.

Alex, with his bright blue eyes, is quite the ham. He and Jack love wrestling and chasing each other.

I made a fort under their little Dora table, but they were still pretty captivated by whatever was on the TV.

Ken says Jack looks like Bono with the pink sunglasses. I'm not sure about that, but it still amused me.

Oops, how was I supposed to know they aren't supposed to climb on top of the table? They seemed quite agile and experienced with their acrobatics. (Sorry, Heather.)

Claire wears these adorable pink glitter slippers, and when she sat atop the table (again, my apologies Heather), the angle made her feet look enormous. :)

It was a snowy day outside, and I love the background scenery out their windows. (Not sure he's supposed to stand and jump off the chair either, but oh the fun they had!)

Jack enjoyed the "fort," mostly because he could take the toys he likes in there and not be bothered by the other kids trying to swipe them. "Swiper, no swiping!"

They play so sweetly together (most of the time), and I am forever in pursuit of a cute picture with all three of them. But this is how my pre-positioned shots always end up.

On Monday it reached 50 degrees, a welcome respite after a long, cold winter. I asked Heather if she wanted to take the kids to the park with me, and she readily agreed. Silly me...I forgot that the park would be covered in snow, so poor Jack was only wearing his tennis shoes. With about 8 inches of snow on the ground in shady areas, the poor boy had some very wet feet. We only ended up staying about 10 minutes at the park, but I had to take some pics of Claire. Her yellow hat and pinkish jacket, combined with the blue of her eyes and the blue of the sky, were perfect for photos. 

Seriously, have you ever seen anything so cute?

I also took pictures of the boys, but in their army green and navy blue jackets, their pictures did not turn our nearly as cute. So I won't bore you.

Sunday morning, as I was dressing Jackson for church, I was struck with how darn adorable he is. I am biased, I know, but for real. He is almost perfect. I enticed him to pose for pictures by telling him he could jump on our new couch. It worked!

Yes, he really is that skinny. Don't worry, he's perfectly healthy and in the normal weight range for his age. He's just tall...so the fat gets spread out vertically. [Sigh] I remember being that skinny. I used to be so embarrassed by my ribs sticking through. Silly me. What I wouldn't give to get a glimpse of those ribs today!

If you think I'm a little obsessed with this boy of mine, you would be correct.

I'm also a little obsessed with the beauty of snow. Like most Chicagoans, I wasn't exactly thrilled when the weather forecasts called for MORE snow. People. It's March for crying out loud! Isn't the time of year that crocuses and daffodils are supposed to be popping up?

But despite my despair over the white stuff, the good news is that it's beautiful and it won't last long now that spring is a mere 7 days away. And really, have you ever seen such magnificent artwork? I'm in awe of the Artist.

 

 

I'm still taking a break from Facebook, but this will post automatically so feel free to leave your comments and they will be emailed to me.

Speaking of which...I haven't been perfect about my fast from Facebook, but it's been going pretty well. I gave myself a special dispensation to check the news on a friend whose baby was dying and another who is having a surprise pregnancy. But all in all, it's been going pretty well. I miss you all and your news and funnies and photos, but it's been a sweet time away.

Love to you all~

Luann

Today is the Day

The first blog in a blog series is always the hardest to write. Is background necessary? Should I explain the purpose? I don't even know the purpose for sure--only that I need an outlet to record the days of my life. I've had blogs before, but they never really encompassed all of me. So today is the day. From marriage to faith to babies to freelancing to writing to grammar to what's for dinner ... this is my life.

Today started with a somewhat stern call to the manufacturer of our baby crib. We ordered a crib online through Wal-Mart in November. We received it in December. Due to the holidays, we didn't open the box until January. May have been a mistake. It's a gorgeous crib, and I'm so happy with the way it looks.

Only problem is that the hardware was not included! After numerous emails and phone calls, I pulled the pregnant mommy card this morning. I threatened to contact the Better Business Bureau. She said the hardware will be here on Monday. Let's hope so! Our baby isn't due for another six weeks, but Ken's coworker just had her baby three weeks early...and that put the fear in me!

Speaking of baby, he is super active this morning. My belly is waving and jumping and rolling with all his movements. It's so fun to watch. The doctor says an active baby is a great sign of good health. But I have to admit, it still feels very, very strange.

Much to do today. My long-time friend Dawn and her two kids are coming to visit tomorrow from Chicago. I'm so happy they'll get relief from their ultra cold, snowy weather. We have big plans...pool, beach, drive-thru safari zoo, Billy Swamp Safari, church, Aruba's Beach Cafe...all in three days or so!

Also need to get busy on some freelance work, and do my daily reading. I'm reading through the Psalms, other Wisdom Literature, the Gospels and the Epistles this year. Reading through the entire Bible seems entirely too daunting, but this I can do. I got a daily reading plan off the internet, and so far so good. It's about two chapters a day, and truthfully, that's about all that my mind can digest in one sitting. If I read too much, I tend to lose it all; if I read a manageable amount, I can walk away with a couple truths for the day.

That's all for now...
Luann